Spiders, the eight legged cunts

How does one almost eat a spider big enough and bad enough to trap and eat a fucking bird? (in list form)

In Australia
Was 24
With friend
Out drinking
Lots of drinking
Leave bar, go to club
Getting late, not pulled yet
Both switch to "standards lowered" mode
Bingo
Leave club
Go back to theirs (of course, you can't creep silently out of your own house at 6am)
Stop off at bottle shop for big bottle of whisky as the heroin required to slightly dull the memory of what was about to happen sadly wasn't available
Back to theirs, whisky. Giggling girls disappear into bedroom
More whisky
Girls emerge. One dressed in feather boa (that was it), other dressed as french maid
Friend quickly disappears with feather boa woman leaving me with french maid
Within 2 minutes hear friend going at it
French maid plays a little coy prompting me to come on strong
French maid begins to tell me how she was dumped by long term boyfriend only weeks ago.
Sexual screaming by feather boa woman. Mental note to congratulate friend on serious nature of action
French maid starts crying about her boyfriend
I lose interest. Move away
Whisky and a big fat disinterested blank
More whisky. Muffled sobs from french maid
Both myself and french maid giggle as we hear "SHOVE IT IN MY ARSE!"
Crescendo from friend and feather boa woman
French maid STILL fucking crying
Emergence of grinning friend
Whisky
More whisky
Look at watch, feign yawn. 6am! "Must go"
Leave apartment to look for cab
Walking directly next to fence, turn corner while yawning
Biggest fucking web I have ever seen spun completely across pathway, inches from my face.
Angry looking cunt of a spider. FUCKING MASSIVE and aggressively shaking in the web. All within inches of my yawning mouth
Stop dead, face actually brushes web. Spider looks me in the eye and grins.
I fucking lose my mind a little bit. Drunkenly screaming nonsense about munching a cunt that size
Legs go
On arse
Shake
Repeat for 10 minutes.

That is how I nearly ate a spider that could have easily ripped my fucking face off