Oh How I Hate The Deluge Of Fucking Pirates

Holy shit. What a day I am having.

I have been on the phone to China all day so far. There is absolutely no messing with those fuckers. Hard as nails and straighter than Gods plumb line. Fucking exhausting. The problems arise with the time difference and gaining access to people before they get to bed over there. To say I have been feeling frustrated today is a massive understatement. So, when I finally admit some kind of defeat and realise that no fucker is gonna pick the phone up now, I decide to take a walk as I had hardly left the office all day. I walked to the nearest pub, grabbed a pint and sat down outside with my mp3 player blaring and the newspaper in front of me. I want to be spoken to or bothered about as much as I want to be anally raped by the Iranian National Guard. Or any National Guard for that matter. I ain't racist. It is the anal rape thing I have a problem with.

I am a million miles away, reading about the upcoming Ryder Cup and with music blaring in my ears when I see movement out of the corner of my eyes. I look up to see 7 pirates, in full dress (peglegs, eyepatches etc) and one of them is attempting to talk to me. I look up and make no fucking attempt to remove my earphones and I know they can hear residual drums and guitars as it is at full blast. I stare the guy in the eye and see his lips move. He is talking to me but I don't give a fuck so I continue to stare in his face. He motions for me to take the earphones out and I shake my head. He motions again, so I reluctantly remove them and the conversation went something like this (bear in mind I am in the foulest of dark moods and am wearing a permanent scowl):

Him: "Aarrggghh, have ye a soul young man?"
Me: "What the fuck kind of question is that? Fuck off now, I'm not interested". *In go the earphones again*
Him: *motions for me to take the earphones out again*
Me: *earphones out* "What part of fuck off did you not understand? Leave me alone, I'm really not feeling up to anything other than my own company"
Him: "Aarrgghh, we be collectin' for charity...." He carried on talking but the earphones were back in now. Incidentally I had all 7 pirates now focused on me.
Me: "Seriously, get the fuck away from me before I give you a real speech impediment and crutches"

Now I'm not gonna detail the rest of the conversation but I Iost the plot a bit and laid into all of them for dressing up like a bunch of fictional cunts. I focused on the fact that the youngest one looked about 35. They should be fucking ashamed of themselves and I didn't give a fuck about their charity as I regularly donate cash to charities of my own choosing. I then got sarcastic and asked if I could kick the fuck out of all of them for my own charity. I'd be generous, £10 per pirate cunt I knocked out. Would that be acceptable?

All seven got the message and Arrgghhed off to bother other people