Never Tell The Truth

I was talking to my best friend in Australia today and he was telling me another humorous story about his love life. I really can't be bothered to go into details. The bit that made me laugh out loud until tears were flowing freely, was when he told me how he stopped himself from cumming too quickly whilst shagging some new bird he had pulled.

He basically made a pizza in his head from scratch. Made the dough, rolled it out, added the sauce, cheese and other toppings. Put it in the oven at 225 for 20 minutes (he actually envisaged waiting the 20 minutes) and viola, he came like a charging elephant. Very funny stuff. The thing is I got carried away when I told him my version. This only happened once by the way.

Don't judge me.

When I was in school, there was a heavily autistic kid in my class. His name was next to mine on the register so my form tutor made me look after him for the first year of school. It was a very big school, about 2000 pupils. Subsequently it was pretty easy to get lost. Brilliant way to have to start your school year.

Anyway, this kid had a kind of Tourettes thing going on too. He was a big lad and would stop walking for no reason and shout swear words at the top of his voice. All of this was done whilst dribbling. It is pretty hard to attract female attention when you have a hulking swear machine dribbling onto you. I didn't like this kid very much. Not his fault I know, but I was 12 years old, what do you expect?

Back to what I was saying originally. I was swapping stories with my drunk friend in Australia. I told him that one time I pulled this absolutely gorgeous girl. I was punching well above my weight here and I knew it. We went out one night and after many drinks, me and this amazing girl go back to mine. She had made it abundantly clear that my luck was in that night and so the pressure was on so to speak. One thing leads to another and we start having sex. I knew I wasn't going to last long at all and needed to stop myself from cumming too quickly. I racked my brain for the most disgusting image it held and the thing that popped up was this autistic kid from school. I hadn't thought of this guy for maybe 6 or 7 years and he chooses now to pop into my head.

To clarify, I was shagging the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. For the first time. And here I was thinking about a 12 year old spastic shouting the word "CUNT" at the top of his voice whilst dribbling. Well, it certainly had the desired effect. Only thing was it happened too well and my erection rapidly lost all interest in this Amazon beneath me. I swear I tried so hard to not think of this kid. You try it now. It is impossible. Once that image is there, it is GOING NOWHERE.

Needless to say she wasn't too impressed with me. I did try to explain to her what had happened in the hope that she would think it was sweet that I needed to stop myself. Thinking of her. She asked me what I had thought of and like a fucking idiot I told her, hoping she would find it funny. She didn't, and neither did I as I watched her get dressed and get the fuck out of my house.

My brilliant life.