I got into the habit of listening to the late night radio phone in shows when I was about 13. It is a mini obsession of mine. Some people need to hear the ocean to fall asleep, some need white noise in the background. I have a friend who leaves the extractor turned on in his bathroom all night and the gentle humming rocks him to sleep. I need to listen to stupid cunts discussing all manner of subjects. I rarely enjoy it to be honest but every now and then you hear something that makes it all worthwhile, like just now.
There I am, lying in bed and the subject tonight is "what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten?". They were getting the usual crap from the spasmo public "Ooooh, I ate a frog once" or "Am I on air? I am? I once tasted Giraffe." All boring. Then this one guy comes on and tells how he was recently in Zambia and at this time of year they are inundated with millions and millions of crane flies. The locals catch them in huge nets, grind them up into a paste, and make burgers out of them.
Caller: "So, there I was in this restaurant and they served me this burger made out of this paste. It was a proper burger, they served it with tomato sauce and everything"
Host: "So you ate this burger made out of flies...A fly burger basically..."
Caller: "Yeah, it wasn't too bad to be honest, I've eaten worse."
Host: "Well, tomato sauce does mask a lot of flavours doesn't it?"
Caller: "Yeah, especially on your birds fanny"
Host: *embarrassed* "I'm really sorry for letting that one get through ladies and gentleman, you all have my apologies."
This made me chuckle at first, then more as I thought about it and in the end I was laughing so hard that I had to get out of bed to have another joint.
Finished my joint now so i'm back to bed.
Wednesday 14 May 2008
Why The Sea is a cunt
I was about 5 years old and visiting the family in Gibraltar. I went there every year for the whole summer. My parents would dump my sister and me on my grandmothers doorstep and fuck off for some peace and quiet of their own. Those trips gave me some great memories. Everything seems warm and hazy in recollection now apart from one incident. As I said, I was about 5 or 6 at the time and every day in Gibraltar was spent at the beach. A place called Catalan Bay. A little cove beach that used to stare across the Mediterranean Sea straight across to Africa. My uncle was teaching me to swim in the shallows. I was swimming face down, with goggles on, while my uncle held me across the stomach. He was my swimming stabilisers. After I got a little confident he let go of me without me knowing and watched me as I swam out to about 4 or 5 foot in depth. Then I realised he had let go and stuck my head out of the water to look back at him with a huge grin on my face. I was swimming! To a five year old, that is just about the biggest thing that has happened to you so far. I saw my uncle wave and smile and I waved back, laughing, and turned back to my greatest achievement to see this massive cunt staring me in the face. We locked eyes and I fucking shit myself . Just the thought of it now, over 25 years later, still makes me shiver. I get that ice ball in my stomach. You can imagine my reaction anyway. I went fucking apoplectic. Screaming and almost drowning.
It was just my luck that the fisherman were bringing their catch in at that time and had to tow that scary bastard back as it was too big to put in their little row boat. You can't imagine the lengths my family went to to try and make me feel better. I remember another uncle making a huge mound of sand and telling me he had buried it, all my family there telling me "Look, Uncle Sidney has killed it, it is safe now". Even then I can remember thinking they were all stupid cunts for expecting me to believe that. Well, I probably didn't think "cunts" as i didn't know that word yet. I guess it would have been the worst word I knew as a five year old, maybe "poo poo head" or something like that.
That is why I hate the sea and can happily say "Fuck the ocean". The ancients said it best when they marked their ancient maps with the words "Here be monsters" over any expanse of water.
Fucking hate it
It was just my luck that the fisherman were bringing their catch in at that time and had to tow that scary bastard back as it was too big to put in their little row boat. You can't imagine the lengths my family went to to try and make me feel better. I remember another uncle making a huge mound of sand and telling me he had buried it, all my family there telling me "Look, Uncle Sidney has killed it, it is safe now". Even then I can remember thinking they were all stupid cunts for expecting me to believe that. Well, I probably didn't think "cunts" as i didn't know that word yet. I guess it would have been the worst word I knew as a five year old, maybe "poo poo head" or something like that.
That is why I hate the sea and can happily say "Fuck the ocean". The ancients said it best when they marked their ancient maps with the words "Here be monsters" over any expanse of water.
Fucking hate it
Tea, my ambrosia.
I've just had satellite TV installed in my flat after a four year absence. The engineer called round and set to work with the minimum of fuss. While he was busying himself with wires and the like I offered him a cup of tea.
If you're not native to these parts, you may need to know about the ancient British tradition of "Tea". Everyone has heard of the Japanese Tea Ceremony, I feel it is only fair I should share this knowledge with you. For your own sake.
When someone offers you a cup of tea over here, there are very few answers that are acceptable to that specific question. Obviously, Yes or No are your first choices. All other answers will be met with incredulous stares. "Do you have coffee?" is a common mistake made at this point. Were you offered coffee? No. Don't ask for it then. That would be like walking into Burger King and asking to see their selection of antique Edwardian furniture. You wouldn't do that there, likewise, don't do that here. If your answer is Yes, then you open up another set of very limited answers to the question of "How do you like it?". You may now inform your host of your preference for the milk/sugar combination or lack thereof. It is absolutely crucial that at this point that none of the following words are mentioned: Rose hip, Apple & Mango, Apple & Blackberry, Lemon, Ginger & Echinacea, Raspberry & Peach, Strawberry & Kiwi, Camomile, Lime Blossom, Nettle, Peppermint etc. Down that path leads to both madness and black eyes. These words are abominations to all true Native Brits. It would be tantamount to calling them paedophiles. In their own house. No one wants a repeat of the unfortunate incident back in 1973 where 14 Californian tourists were needlessly and callously stripped, tarred and feathered, made to gorge on crumpets and walk down Oxford Street with placards stating that they were indeed "IRA", all for the crime of requesting "Green Tea". Ugly scenes.
If your host is particularly hospitable they may offer you biscuits and on rarer occasions, cake. It is perfectly acceptable to "dunk" your biscuits in your tea. For the love of God don't dunk cake. That would make you look a right cunt. You may see your host mixing tar in the kitchen and heating some crumpets at this point. If you do see this, accept your punishment with good grace and try to adapt the "stiff upper lip" the British are so fond of.
If you follow these simple rules, you should be fine.
Back to my original point made way back in the first paragraph. The engineer fixing me up asked for his tea with milk and 7 sugars. Fucking hell, it was like milky syrup by the time I had finished stirring.
If you're not native to these parts, you may need to know about the ancient British tradition of "Tea". Everyone has heard of the Japanese Tea Ceremony, I feel it is only fair I should share this knowledge with you. For your own sake.
When someone offers you a cup of tea over here, there are very few answers that are acceptable to that specific question. Obviously, Yes or No are your first choices. All other answers will be met with incredulous stares. "Do you have coffee?" is a common mistake made at this point. Were you offered coffee? No. Don't ask for it then. That would be like walking into Burger King and asking to see their selection of antique Edwardian furniture. You wouldn't do that there, likewise, don't do that here. If your answer is Yes, then you open up another set of very limited answers to the question of "How do you like it?". You may now inform your host of your preference for the milk/sugar combination or lack thereof. It is absolutely crucial that at this point that none of the following words are mentioned: Rose hip, Apple & Mango, Apple & Blackberry, Lemon, Ginger & Echinacea, Raspberry & Peach, Strawberry & Kiwi, Camomile, Lime Blossom, Nettle, Peppermint etc. Down that path leads to both madness and black eyes. These words are abominations to all true Native Brits. It would be tantamount to calling them paedophiles. In their own house. No one wants a repeat of the unfortunate incident back in 1973 where 14 Californian tourists were needlessly and callously stripped, tarred and feathered, made to gorge on crumpets and walk down Oxford Street with placards stating that they were indeed "IRA", all for the crime of requesting "Green Tea". Ugly scenes.
If your host is particularly hospitable they may offer you biscuits and on rarer occasions, cake. It is perfectly acceptable to "dunk" your biscuits in your tea. For the love of God don't dunk cake. That would make you look a right cunt. You may see your host mixing tar in the kitchen and heating some crumpets at this point. If you do see this, accept your punishment with good grace and try to adapt the "stiff upper lip" the British are so fond of.
If you follow these simple rules, you should be fine.
Back to my original point made way back in the first paragraph. The engineer fixing me up asked for his tea with milk and 7 sugars. Fucking hell, it was like milky syrup by the time I had finished stirring.
Stolen = Tasty
I was really good today. No booze. I had no client lunches, bought a sandwich and sat in front of my laptop, doing some work shit. I was actually quite proud of myself. I had had a horrific morning. I got soaked to my underpants on my way to work because there were seriously heavy storms in SE of England this morning.
All I wanted was normality, even though my underpants were soaking. Fucking nasty. I lasted until about 4pm when I had a meeting to go see a new potential client for the first time. We had a business chat for about 15 minutes and then we hit the whisky. 8pm and I am fucking hammered and decide it is time to go home. One eye closed as I went down the stairs to the tube, that was how twatted I was. When I finally got to my home station I went to my local store to grab something to eat as I was starving. I thought it was a good idea to lean on their promotional stand of chocolate easter bunnies. The stand was taller than me. It fell over. Everyone looked at me. i turned around and walked out, still holding the sandwich which was now a stolen sandwich.
Man that sandwich tasted good. Now I can't go to that shop for a while.
All I wanted was normality, even though my underpants were soaking. Fucking nasty. I lasted until about 4pm when I had a meeting to go see a new potential client for the first time. We had a business chat for about 15 minutes and then we hit the whisky. 8pm and I am fucking hammered and decide it is time to go home. One eye closed as I went down the stairs to the tube, that was how twatted I was. When I finally got to my home station I went to my local store to grab something to eat as I was starving. I thought it was a good idea to lean on their promotional stand of chocolate easter bunnies. The stand was taller than me. It fell over. Everyone looked at me. i turned around and walked out, still holding the sandwich which was now a stolen sandwich.
Man that sandwich tasted good. Now I can't go to that shop for a while.
Must. Stop. Smoking.
Fuck, I must stop smoking weed. Seriously, it is giving me wicked mood swings.
I've put myself about a bit in my time where drugs are concerned. I don't pretend to be an expert but I do know what I am talking about. I have experienced all kinds of fucked up, most good but some bad. There are many kinds that will kick you in the face within minutes of ingestion. There are many that take half an hour plus to kick in. Then there is weed or hash. No matter how much you smoke or eat, the very worse that will happen to you is that you will eat bullshit and instant food and then pass out. I remember reading somewhere that you would need to eat a lump the size of a large loaf of bread before you put yourself in serious danger.
Having said all that, there have been several times I have been at my wits end with drugs and all but one have been with hash. This stuff creeps up on you before you know what is happening and then twats you round the head so hard your teeth rattle.
An example. I am sitting on the train on the way home this evening. I have done fuck all real work today and have spent the last two hours drinking and laughing and I haven't put my hand in my pocket once. All very jolly. I am reading my book and minding my own business, thinking about what I am going to do on my four days off I have on front of me when a guy and his two friends walk past and sit in the seats around me. This guy seems happy and so do his friends. I can't hear what they are talking about as I have my earphones in. This guy gently brushes past me and ever so slightly bumps the book that is in my hand. In a fucking instant I am transformed into a fucking inhabitant from the seventh level of hell. My relaxed and wistful state of mind is now seriously considering ripping out this guys eyes and swallowing them whole. All for the crime of walking past me. This happened maybe 50 minutes ago and I am still a little grumpy. Not half as bad as I was 45 minutes ago but still.
I really have to stop smoking.
I've put myself about a bit in my time where drugs are concerned. I don't pretend to be an expert but I do know what I am talking about. I have experienced all kinds of fucked up, most good but some bad. There are many kinds that will kick you in the face within minutes of ingestion. There are many that take half an hour plus to kick in. Then there is weed or hash. No matter how much you smoke or eat, the very worse that will happen to you is that you will eat bullshit and instant food and then pass out. I remember reading somewhere that you would need to eat a lump the size of a large loaf of bread before you put yourself in serious danger.
Having said all that, there have been several times I have been at my wits end with drugs and all but one have been with hash. This stuff creeps up on you before you know what is happening and then twats you round the head so hard your teeth rattle.
An example. I am sitting on the train on the way home this evening. I have done fuck all real work today and have spent the last two hours drinking and laughing and I haven't put my hand in my pocket once. All very jolly. I am reading my book and minding my own business, thinking about what I am going to do on my four days off I have on front of me when a guy and his two friends walk past and sit in the seats around me. This guy seems happy and so do his friends. I can't hear what they are talking about as I have my earphones in. This guy gently brushes past me and ever so slightly bumps the book that is in my hand. In a fucking instant I am transformed into a fucking inhabitant from the seventh level of hell. My relaxed and wistful state of mind is now seriously considering ripping out this guys eyes and swallowing them whole. All for the crime of walking past me. This happened maybe 50 minutes ago and I am still a little grumpy. Not half as bad as I was 45 minutes ago but still.
I really have to stop smoking.
Captain Scott - The Lying Cunt
Lawrence Oates, part of the unsuccessful five man team led by Captain Robert.F.Scott to be the first humans to reach the South Pole.
For those not in the know, the expedition hit upon some remarkably tough times. Some unbelievably stupid decisions were made by Scott himself and on the return journey, after finding that they were beaten by Amundsen by a mere 35 days, the party found themselves in grave difficulties. Food shortages were of course paramount among these. On 5th March 1912, it is recorded in the journals of Captain Scott that Lawrence Oates made this now famous statement "I am just going outside and may be some time". With that he left the tent, emerging into the -40c blizzard in naught but his socks and underpants. The ultimate sacrifice and very British in its understatement.
I was always fascinated with that little story as a child, but was also puzzled as well. While it is (as i said before) a rather British sounding statement, it should also be remembered that at that time Britain was in the full throes of Empire and had a remarkable predilection for undeniable cold hearted cruelty. The fact that it became universally accepted that Oates had indeed "taken a hit for the team" speaks volumes for the accepted word of a true gentleman in those times. Oates himself commented in his own journal "Myself, I dislike Scott intensely and would chuck the whole thing if it were not that we are a British expedition. Scott is not straight, it is himself first, the rest nowhere...". Given that Scott was stupid enough to choose ponies as pack animals in sub zero temperatures in uncharted territory, and that Oates states quite clearly that Scott was in fact a cold hearted cunt, why is it that no one questions the official line taken here?
Scott was running out of food so tossed Oates out into the snow and left him to die, all the time making sure that the poor mans eulogy would be one of the more fantastic examples of comradeship still to this day.
For those not in the know, the expedition hit upon some remarkably tough times. Some unbelievably stupid decisions were made by Scott himself and on the return journey, after finding that they were beaten by Amundsen by a mere 35 days, the party found themselves in grave difficulties. Food shortages were of course paramount among these. On 5th March 1912, it is recorded in the journals of Captain Scott that Lawrence Oates made this now famous statement "I am just going outside and may be some time". With that he left the tent, emerging into the -40c blizzard in naught but his socks and underpants. The ultimate sacrifice and very British in its understatement.
I was always fascinated with that little story as a child, but was also puzzled as well. While it is (as i said before) a rather British sounding statement, it should also be remembered that at that time Britain was in the full throes of Empire and had a remarkable predilection for undeniable cold hearted cruelty. The fact that it became universally accepted that Oates had indeed "taken a hit for the team" speaks volumes for the accepted word of a true gentleman in those times. Oates himself commented in his own journal "Myself, I dislike Scott intensely and would chuck the whole thing if it were not that we are a British expedition. Scott is not straight, it is himself first, the rest nowhere...". Given that Scott was stupid enough to choose ponies as pack animals in sub zero temperatures in uncharted territory, and that Oates states quite clearly that Scott was in fact a cold hearted cunt, why is it that no one questions the official line taken here?
Scott was running out of food so tossed Oates out into the snow and left him to die, all the time making sure that the poor mans eulogy would be one of the more fantastic examples of comradeship still to this day.
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