Pigeons. Again

Me: Briskly walking on stretch of pavement with wall to my left, and security railings to my right. Enough room for two abreast.

Pigeon: Happily minding own business pecking at random detritus on floor.

Me: Notice pigeon for first time. Keep exact pace and position on pavement.

Pigeon: Notices me. Looks alarmed from a distance. Stops pecking and freezes.

Me: Wondering if pigeons can sense my derision. Then have two second daydream of me sitting on throne of Planet Of The Pigeons. All around me are dead pigeons. Now within 4 paces of pigeon. Directly in my path. One of us is gonna have to change direction.

Pigeon: Not happy, slightly alarmed. Decides to abandon completely the random food stuff on floor and makes erroneous decision to walk and not fly in opposite direction

Me: Wondering why pigeon doesn't just move aside

Pigeon: Why is this cunt following me? Shit he is huge and he is getting closer. Must walk quicker

Me: MAINTAIN PACE. MAINTAIN DIRECTION. Move aside little pigeon. This is all about testosterone now. Honk imaginary truck horn.

Pigeon: Now beginning to flap wings in panic but not enough to take off. Walking in straight line away from scary man

Me: MAINTAIN PACE. MAINTAIN DIRECTION

Pigeon: Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. I am so scared I will continue to walk in a dead straight line away from scary man

Me: MAINTAIN PACE. MAINTAIN DIRECTION. Now giggling

Pigeon: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK. Brain still not decided to fly yet. Sprinting in a straight line

Me: MAINTAIN PACE. MAINTAIN DIRECTION. Laughing openly, attracting attention from passers by.

Pigeon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK. ALERT, ALERT. ESCAPE STRATEGY NOT WORKING. NEW DIRECTIVES NEEDED
...computing
...computing
...computing.
NEW DIRECTIVES ARRIVED. WALK INTO BUSY ROAD.

Bus: "Hey, 'sup"

Me: Amazed at amount of blood caused by freshly squashed pigeon. Looks like a pancake. Mmmmmm, pancakes...