Why The Sea is a cunt

I was about 5 years old and visiting the family in Gibraltar. I went there every year for the whole summer. My parents would dump my sister and me on my grandmothers doorstep and fuck off for some peace and quiet of their own. Those trips gave me some great memories. Everything seems warm and hazy in recollection now apart from one incident. As I said, I was about 5 or 6 at the time and every day in Gibraltar was spent at the beach. A place called Catalan Bay. A little cove beach that used to stare across the Mediterranean Sea straight across to Africa. My uncle was teaching me to swim in the shallows. I was swimming face down, with goggles on, while my uncle held me across the stomach. He was my swimming stabilisers. After I got a little confident he let go of me without me knowing and watched me as I swam out to about 4 or 5 foot in depth. Then I realised he had let go and stuck my head out of the water to look back at him with a huge grin on my face. I was swimming! To a five year old, that is just about the biggest thing that has happened to you so far. I saw my uncle wave and smile and I waved back, laughing, and turned back to my greatest achievement to see this massive cunt staring me in the face. We locked eyes and I fucking shit myself . Just the thought of it now, over 25 years later, still makes me shiver. I get that ice ball in my stomach. You can imagine my reaction anyway. I went fucking apoplectic. Screaming and almost drowning.

It was just my luck that the fisherman were bringing their catch in at that time and had to tow that scary bastard back as it was too big to put in their little row boat. You can't imagine the lengths my family went to to try and make me feel better. I remember another uncle making a huge mound of sand and telling me he had buried it, all my family there telling me "Look, Uncle Sidney has killed it, it is safe now". Even then I can remember thinking they were all stupid cunts for expecting me to believe that. Well, I probably didn't think "cunts" as i didn't know that word yet. I guess it would have been the worst word I knew as a five year old, maybe "poo poo head" or something like that.

That is why I hate the sea and can happily say "Fuck the ocean". The ancients said it best when they marked their ancient maps with the words "Here be monsters" over any expanse of water.

Fucking hate it