Tea, my ambrosia.

I've just had satellite TV installed in my flat after a four year absence. The engineer called round and set to work with the minimum of fuss. While he was busying himself with wires and the like I offered him a cup of tea.

If you're not native to these parts, you may need to know about the ancient British tradition of "Tea". Everyone has heard of the Japanese Tea Ceremony, I feel it is only fair I should share this knowledge with you. For your own sake.

When someone offers you a cup of tea over here, there are very few answers that are acceptable to that specific question. Obviously, Yes or No are your first choices. All other answers will be met with incredulous stares. "Do you have coffee?" is a common mistake made at this point. Were you offered coffee? No. Don't ask for it then. That would be like walking into Burger King and asking to see their selection of antique Edwardian furniture. You wouldn't do that there, likewise, don't do that here. If your answer is Yes, then you open up another set of very limited answers to the question of "How do you like it?". You may now inform your host of your preference for the milk/sugar combination or lack thereof. It is absolutely crucial that at this point that none of the following words are mentioned: Rose hip, Apple & Mango, Apple & Blackberry, Lemon, Ginger & Echinacea, Raspberry & Peach, Strawberry & Kiwi, Camomile, Lime Blossom, Nettle, Peppermint etc. Down that path leads to both madness and black eyes. These words are abominations to all true Native Brits. It would be tantamount to calling them paedophiles. In their own house. No one wants a repeat of the unfortunate incident back in 1973 where 14 Californian tourists were needlessly and callously stripped, tarred and feathered, made to gorge on crumpets and walk down Oxford Street with placards stating that they were indeed "IRA", all for the crime of requesting "Green Tea". Ugly scenes.

If your host is particularly hospitable they may offer you biscuits and on rarer occasions, cake. It is perfectly acceptable to "dunk" your biscuits in your tea. For the love of God don't dunk cake. That would make you look a right cunt. You may see your host mixing tar in the kitchen and heating some crumpets at this point. If you do see this, accept your punishment with good grace and try to adapt the "stiff upper lip" the British are so fond of.

If you follow these simple rules, you should be fine.

Back to my original point made way back in the first paragraph. The engineer fixing me up asked for his tea with milk and 7 sugars. Fucking hell, it was like milky syrup by the time I had finished stirring.