Vindictive Wasps Are Funny

I just got back from the pub. I was there with a friend and we took a table outside as we are both smokers. What with it being a Sunday, the pub makes a brisk trade selling roasts. A Sunday staple all over the UK. There were a couple of gay dudes chowing down on a full plate of perfect Sunday fare when they, or rather their roasts, drew the attention of a wasp. Being immensely camp they both blew it out of proportion by squealing and getting up from their table and attempting to shoo it away, thus aggravating the wasp. Cue good natured laughter from myself and my friend. My friends laughter was more muted as she is a lady, very well brought up, not from me though. I was finding the whole thing particularly funny. Gay men flapping about in public are funny. Come to think of it, anyone flapping about unnecessarily is funny, especially if they are in distress. They both took offence at our mirth which obviously made it funnier than girls doing sports. That was pretty much it apart from dark and attempted threatening looks from the 2 dudes, which made me laugh even harder. It reminded me of a story that I am sure I haven't told you guys before. If I have, ignore me. I was having a hard time with a girlfriend, we were arguing a lot and decided to take a drive into the countryside and grab lunch at a picturesque pub and talk it through. We found this idyllic place with a history that spanned back at least 500 years that served food overlooking a medieval town. Very nice. If I recall correctly it was the height of summer and a balmy afternoon. We sat down outside, shades on and determined to thrash out our problems. Now this girl was particularly well brought up and disapproved of my foul language and cantankerous ways so I was on my best behaviour. We ordered some drinks and studied the menu together. The menu was made from a piece of laminated paper that was stuck, upright, into a small block of wood. Well, this wasp comes sniffing round the two of us and my girlfriend started to get a bit distressed so I grabbed the first shooing device to hand, the menu, and went to shoo it away inconsequentially. As I picked the menu up and swung it gently at the wasp, the block of wood it was sitting in was still attached and when I swung the menu it flew off and hit my girlfriend in the face. It was a gentle contact between block of wood and face but instantly I laughed. Not major guffawing but a little giggle. Her face registered shock at the contact and hurt at my laughter. That made me laugh more, unfortunately, my laughter made her start crying. Right about now I was caught up in an inescapable loop. The harder I laughed, the harder she cried and vice versa. By this point I was laughing quite hard. I was really trying to stop but you know what happens when laughter is forbidden. Yep, I really started to laugh. She took massive umbrage at this and got up in a huff, grabbed the car keys and went crying loudly to the car. She opened the door and got inside the car, taking her shades off so she could wipe the tears from her eyes. My laughter was just about dying down when I saw her flapping her arms about madly in the car. It was then I realised that the self same wasp had followed her into the car. I heard her scream, and I realised that the little striped bastard had stung her whilst in the car. Now, I have been told that my laugh has two distinct qualities. 1. It is very loud and 2. It is infectious. The whole pub is now avidly following the events and all are smiling at least. The nicer people were at least trying to hide the fact they thought this was funny as they maybe felt empathy with my girlfriend. The nastier patrons were laughing as hard as I was. It was at this point that I started to have apoplectic fits. I was laughing so hard that I actually fell off the bench I was sitting on, no sound was coming out of my mouth. Totally silent laugh. She saw this and started crying even more and with an increasing volume. I calmly finished my drink, informed the waitress that we wouldn't be eating here after all and got back into the car. We drove back in stony silence. Ah, I prove to myself that I am a nasty piece of work by remembering this fondly. We finished with each other soon after this.